20 Weeks

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{~20 Weeks~ Words that are hard to find. The let down of raw emotion and fear making it's exit takes it's toll. I wasn't going to write this, I was going to let this fade away into memories unknown, because that's easier...but I won't, because someone might need these words.}

This week was one of the hardest tests of faith I've ever had. While staring at the babies heart for what seemed an unusual amount of time, my own heart sank, and fear crept in. When you imagine your child coming into this world it's always perfect, all you wish for is a healthy baby, but there it was, right in front of me, on a screen in plain black and white. I wanted to run, but I stayed steady, I wanted to cry, but I refused, I wanted to yell and ask why, but I just smiled at the sweet ultrasound tech as she left to grab the doctor. God doesn't give you more than you can handle...he doesn't right? I asked myself sitting there, just my sweet baby and I.

She returned with the doctor, my mother and my daughter in tow. If you know me, when faced with hardship I smile, while silently building a wall, not to close myself off, but to hold myself up, you see I'm too afraid to reach for outspread arms for fear of breaking down. Talk of Down's syndrome and heart problems, swirled the room, backgrounds and too much blood were taken. In silence, fear crept in, not for me, but for my child, because people can be cruel when they don't understand you. How would I do this? Where would the strength come from? How will I tell my husband who has already watched his own sister pass away from a neurological disorder.

I scoured the internet in secret, reading story after story of negative and positive outcomes, finding comfort in their words. Days passed, we filled them with joy and life carried on, as silent prayers were made, all while waiting for a phone call that finally came. I almost didn't hear her when she said that all the results came back negative, I had already settled in my mind that I would do whatever was needed in order to provide this child with the happiest life possible, no matter the result. I knew this child would be perfect, that I would learn from he or she, that I would be the best mother I could possibly be to both my children because that's what they need. Tears flowed and fear exited, and just like that everything was back to the way that it was.