Krystal Festerly
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My Husbands Illness Motherhood Pregnancy
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Journal Topics My Husbands Illness Motherhood Pregnancy GardeningTHE VILLAGEContact
Krystal Festerly

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"We are like the little branch that quivers during a storm, doubting our strength and forgetting we are the tree - deeply rooted to withstand all of life's upheavals."

~Dodinsky

InspirationKrystaldzFebruary 3, 2014Comment
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The 52 ProjectKrystaldzFebruary 3, 2014

LIFE IS BETTER WHEN SHARED

The Things I Wish To Remember

Maxine has been messing with my husband lately, and it’s been beyond entertaining. She's always been a jokester, case in point; we were about to get in the car to drop her sister off at school one day when Maxine yelled “Mommy! There’s a baby kitty!”. Not wanting to lock a kitten in the garage in 100 degree weather I started searching, Maxine keep shouting “look it’s wright der!! Wrrrrrright deeeerrr!!” Mind you she’s 2 at the time. Long story short fifteen minutes goes by... “Maxine, I’m sorry I just don’t..”, she starts to giggle, “it’s ok! I’dd just kidding.” What two year old does that?!? ~ So over the last 3 months Maxine has been making little cards for her friend, one day I came home and Nehemiah (my husband) asked me for the little girls address, so he could send them to her, because clearly she really likes and misses her. I asked him what the little girls name was, and he replied “Leele”, I looked at him with confusion because I had NO idea who he was talking about. “Maybe it’s a friend at school?” he said, I told him I had never heard of a Leele in her class. Maxine goes on to describe her in detail, so my husband calls the teacher and asks if he can get Leele’s address, the teaches says there’s no Leele in the class, but sends over the class picture so she can point her out. We ask Maxine to point her out and she replies, “nooooo she doesn’t go to my school anymore, she’s bigger”, we ask her if she goes to Ellys school and she replies “YES!”. We go through Ellys class roster, surprise surprise, there's no Leele in either kinder classes. This goes on for weeks, I finally tell Nehemiah that I’m pretty sure this “Leele” person is completely made up and she’s messing with us, he refuses to believe it, “she has been making her cards for months!! There’s no way she’s making it up, I’m going to find this kid”. We ask Elly our oldest if she thinks Leele is real, “Oh she’s real! Maxine said she was real”. ~ Two more weeks goes by with ”Leele this and Leele that”. Finally this morning I ask Maxine “Who is Leele?”, with a twinkle in her eye she replies “she’s my friend!”, “is she invisible?” I ask... ~ “Yes, she’s invisible” and skips away.😑#TeenyweenieMaxinie
I’ve never been a big Valentines or is it Galantines?...I don’t even know what the kids are calling it these days 🤷🏾‍♀️. Maybe it’s because I’m the least romantic person on the planet? I took the personality test, and I got a -9 it’s official 😬😂. My husband on the other hand is the most cuddly, kissy, muah muah, touch me person on the planet 🤦🏾‍♀️ go figure. While I’m over here counting down the minutes until I can stop cuddling because my arm is falling asleep, and I have an itch, and oh a bowl of ice cream sounds nice right about now 🤔, oh yea no wait we’re still cuddling, cuddle cuddle cuddle, .8 seconds later, ok that surely was enough, nope still cuddling... - Even as a kid, with the cards and the pressure to receive a million cards, and no one thought my Starwars Valentines were cool, and what’s with those chalk heart candies? We really pretending we like those things? Ok ok, I’m done, killin everyone’s vibe over here. 🔪 ❤️ Maybe this year I’ll surprise him and dress up in a massive heart outfit and lay on top of him for like an hour (not like that geezlawiz) I think he’d like that...yeaaaa he’d like that. 💁‍♀️🏾 Happy ummmm... whatever the heck you wanna call it day!! I hope you all get 1 million of those chalk candies we all love so much. Imma go eat a bowl of ice cream, because @benandjerrys speaks my love language. ✌🏾 Looooove you babe!!! 😉🥰😘😘😘 kissy kissy - Swipe for a little #tbt to a young us.
I thought there would be rainbows, I thought the storm had passed, that the clouds were clearing. I was so excited to share some good news, to write something cheerful in this space, I was ready for hindsight, for things to get better, so we could breathe again, unlabored. It took me a long time to write this, I didn’t want to, I wanted to leave it in the past as if it never happened; I was so far away from this feeling, determined never to return, yet here I am. I have a few things I commonly discuss with my therapist, my fears, and what I can and cannot control. I’m a planner and always yield to caution, as if I can stop a speeding train, but this life, it goes and goes, unrelenting in its turning. Life was getting better, easier! His medications were keeping the worst of his seizures at bay, for months now the only time he’d have one, was upon waking at night. We had found a sense of normalcy, I work outside of the home now since he can no longer work or drive, while he watches the kids that I rotate in and out throughout the day, they have school at different times; I usually keep one or two with me to make it easier on him. For four days I had terrifying dreams where I’d wake to him already gone, so horrible and disturbing that I couldn’t sleep, I started checking him more than I usually do throughout the night. I had only been gone an hour or so, and when I left, he was laughing and doing dishes. It was last Monday and it was pouring rain, I was working and waiting for Elly to get out of school, then something in my gut stirred, you know when you get a bad feeling, that something is wrong? I looked over at Maxine, she was playing with my phone, and then it rang, it was him, but I already knew that, and that’s when time stopped. “Hello?...” ...I waited, and then there he was, his broken slurred voice, “I addd aaa eeeizzu...elp me” *To read on, please head to my journal link in profile. 2,200 characters is no longer enough to tell our story, so I’ve decided to write it there, the things I might notice, the things I want to remember and reflect upon, in the hopes that maybe one day I can look back on this time as just a season. #whenIgetothinking
On Monday we ended up sitting in front of yet another Neurosurgeon to talk about embolization before my husband starts radiation. We went in thinking that it was going to be easy and routine, just one more step to healing; instead it was like someone sucked all the air out of the room. We sat there as he explained the numerous negative effects the Radiation will have on him, which we were prepared for; but the hard one, the punch in the gut, was the fact that he didn’t think Radiation would have any effect on the seizures, due to the amount of brain damage he has. He believed Radiation would only erase the risk of him having an aneurysm, but the risk of stroke and sudden death from his seizures would never go away, which means he will have to be medicated for the rest of his life, medications that leave him altered and changed. . “I knew I never should have gotten my hopes up,” he whispered. I watched as tears filled his eyes, replacing every ounce of hope he had with fear. As we drove home the car filled questions, tears, and anger bubbled over, swallowing us, swallowing me, swallowing hope. It’s not fair, you’re supposed to do this when you’re old and grey, not now. ~ When hope shows up, it’s like all of the light in the entire world pours into your soul, filling you with the peace you’ve been searching for; you cling to it like a life raft. Yet one shake of a head can puncture the raft you so desperately cling to, leaving you grasping at the tattered remnants, trying to stay afloat. ~  I sat watching as the sun rose without fail, revealing yet another beautiful morning. It would be easy to be angry at it, angry that such sunshine can exist when my world is so dark, instead I chose joy, just like I do every morning, and then I realized... . Hope is as much of a choice as happiness is, You have to choose it, every day, no matter the obstacles, you have to hold it tightly, you have to believe it, you have to make it so, you have to choose hope, and come what may. There’s not many things that I know for sure, but I do know that hope will take you farther than living in fear. #WhenIGetoThinking Please God, help me hold on to hope..
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